Funny diving Stories


                                                     (Authored by DM Michael)

Let me set the scene it is February 2005 and the weather in Cancun Mexico is overcast skies with scattered rain. But as any diver knows you are going to get wet anyway so what is a little rain. Brad and DM (candidate at that time) Michael were about to head to Playa del Carmen for some odyssey diving in Cozumel . Now you know that there is rain involved what you don’t know is that Brad had negotiated with a car rental company in Cancun and rented a dune buggy. Yes, a dune buggy and it was great riding around in the dry weather now enter rain. With both of us excited we loaded the buggy and headed to Playa del Carmen. Within a few minutes it became painfully obvious that there were no wipers in this dune buggy and as the DM (candidate) it was my job to ensure that the windshield was clean. Wouldn’t you know it there wasn’t anything to wipe the windshield with. But being creative I took my seat cover and at Brad’s command I would stand up reach across and wipe his windshield. We of course were the delight of all the Mexican commuters during that LONG drive to Playa del Carmen. It seemed as if he waited until there was a long line of cars passing us and bark “WIPE.” We eventually made it to Playa and had a fantastic time diving then there was the trip home but that is another story.

Elusive Moon

One of my Dive Masters, whom will remain nameless (Cindy), and I went on a discovery trip to the Florida Spring System. She is an avid Moon person and especially loves full moons. We were doing a night dive at Vortex Springs near Ponce DeLeon and went in to the water at dusk and had been down approximately 30 minutes and the scenery was spectacular. We looked over the edge of a cliff and could see about 10 to 15 divers about 20ft below us, lights blazing. It looked like a scene from "The Abyss". She tapped me on the shoulder and pointed to the surface where a big bright 'moon' had 'risen'. We continued the dive until we were low on air and proceeded to the surface. We made our exit and got out of our gear. She went on and on about the full moon under the water and glanced skyward to locate it. I knew from previous dives there, what she had seen ,but, didn't want to spoil it for her. She couldn't find the moon anywhere on this cloudless night. When she looked at me for an explanation, I nodded to the big streetlight on a pole over the spring and proceeded to laugh my a** off. A resounding punch on the arm and a string of expletives burst forth from the mouth of this 'lady' that would make sailor blush. A threat of extreme bodily harm if I ever told anyone of this incident was also expressed as eloquently. She is as gifted a Dive Master as there is, and a great help to me as well as a good friend. Well, she will be until she sees this on the website.

The Rock 


Once a year we do what is called 'Trashfest' where we clean up local dive sites. We were in the Guadalupe River (me + six students)near New Braunfels, Texas, and were 'walking' up river picking up trash. Mind you, the average depth in this river is about 12-15 ft and crystal clear. One of my students had not weighted herself properly and was under weighted by about 4lbs. I gave her 4 lbs of mine and continued the dive. That made me under-weighted, so I picked up a large 4lb rock and continued upriver. Ten minutes later I looked back to get a  headcount and lo and behold we where all there, but, hadn't picked up a whole lot of trash....each and everyone of them had picked up a large rock and were mimicking me (hands full). I had always told them to imitate me when diving and they would probably be okay.

Sometimes they listen too well.


Here we go again . Dive Master C was a natural diver from the start. I was not there for her introduction and subsequent AOW classes, but, I was there for her Master Scuba Diver classes. One was the Underwater Navigator Specialty. Ah, I remember it well......

We train in an old alkali quarry, because the water won’t support life, it normally has real good visibility. Unless you are there on a Sunday afternoon after all the 'Bubba Divers' have stirred it up. Just so happens that's when the Underwater Navigator class was slated to start. As I was the Dive Master and C was odd person out I went with her. This diver was right on it I was above and behind her on her last leg of the triangle and viz was down to about 4-6ft. She was moving fast when I heard the hollow sound of her banging headfirst into her starting point (a wooden platform 20ft x 20ft) I laughed so hard I spit my reg out and the instructor said he could hear me laughing at the bottom.

SOund NAvigation and Ranging =SONAR

Hats off to you, Sonar Diver

Spare Air

Once at DEMA's (Dive Equipment Manufacturer's Assn.) annual trade show there was a long, boring, and tedious seminar on new gear. The speaker asked if there were any suggestions for new gear. I stood up and asked (with a straight face, too) where I could buy a 'Spare Air' that lasted 45 minutes at 90 ft like they have on Baywatch. It took about ten minutes to restore order and I couldn't buy a drink that night.

The Septic Diver

Dive Master C always is doing something extraordinary. This is how she earned her nickname of 'Septic Diver'. Now I did not witness this one, she mistakenly told me about it after several strong libations. Seems she was walking around her back yard and stepped on the plastic lid of her Septic Tank, falling through to about her knee. (releasing all those pleasant smells) When she stepped through it, it didn't break, it just cracked and acted like the Chinese finger cuffs we all played with as kids, She couldn't pull it out without severely cutting her leg. The edges were buried so that she could not move in any direction. No one else was home so she laid there for an unknown length of time. Someone finally showed up and helped free her from her predicament. My Septic Diver is tough.


My younger brother was a US Coast Guard Chief EM and a somewhat large individual(6ft 260lbs) anyway, some of his dive buddies got  hold of his plain black wetsuit and added a little artwork. They painted the whole front of his wetsuit white and left the rest of it black. Needless to say, when he got it on, he looked like Shamu.....You just don't do that to a Chief.....weeks of hard labor ensued.


Dive Master C earned one of her nicknames by becoming a Medic/First Aid subject. At the time I was a Dive Master myself and was with another instructor and several other students completing their Rescue Diver Training. We were in the country at a little cabin in the woods and had spent the night there with all our gear hanging out to dry from the previous days diving. We got up the next morning early (O' Dark Thirty) and started
to don out swimsuits, etc when C started to dance around saying "ow ow ow, something is biting me" and pulled her swimsuit away from her body to let whatever it was get out. Nothing fell, flew, or crawled out. So she replaced her suit and there were several Rescue Diver Candidates crowded around behind her to check out the bite on her bootocks. We couldn't tell what it was and were genuinely concerned thinking maybe a spider, scorpion, or something had STUNG her. She starts dancing again and saying "It's got me again" or something similar. When she pulled her suit away this time, a Red Wasp flew out. We were thankful we now knew what it was and summarily nicknamed her 'STING'. We should have taken pictures.

Stripping the Instructor

When my beautiful wife Shawn decided to get certified, I was not an instructor at the time. So, we went to a local dive shop to sign her up, (me too, as at that time nobody recognized a U.S. Navy Dive Card). Previous to the last pool session, the dive shop in its infinite wisdom, had re-painted the inside of its ‘tank’ with an oil based paint that burned the hell out of your eyes if you took your mask off underwater, Shawn was/is not a big fan of that exercise anyway. When it came time for her turn at the bottom of the 30ft deep above ground tank, she bolted. Not only did she bail, she bailed with style. By the time she got to the surface, the instructor (believe it or not, his name is Johnny Carson) in hot pursuit, had no mask, no regulator, one fin, and most of his wetsuit was unzipped. It took me thirty minutes to even get her back in the water. She passed in open water. You gotta love her.

The Turtle

During my lovely wife’s open water cert dives, the instructor, Johnny Carson, kept a pretty close eye on Shawn, as previous experience with her told him to. She did everything perfectly and we were snorkeling back to our entry point after the last dive and we were all Certified Divers. Shawn turned on to her back and kicked it into high gear, creating a substantial wake. Instructor Johnny was bringing up the rear as we are taught and lo and behold, we hear some screechin’ and bellerin’ from our exit point. All we can see is arms, legs, and fins thrashing around in the air. Shawn had not been paying attention to where she was and had beached herself (and her scuba unit) on her back in the sand and skinny thing she is, could not turn herself over on to her hands and knees in order to get up, Such language was spewing from this little farm girl from South Dakota that would make an old salt blush. Instructor Johnny was laughing so hard, he spit his reg out and was choking on water. Here’s your sign. “Turtle”